THE ART OF LETTING GO: Goodbye?
"So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid ... For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you.
He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:6 (NLT)
“. . . it takes a lot of courage face facts, to stare loss in the face” to “bare your heart and let it bleed”. . .
There are losses and then there are "great" losses which render you breathless! And, you are somehow expected to know how to say "good-bye" to what was.
So, yes, I thought I had known the pain of loss. But on that day, the earth beneath my feet massively shifted; and, what a personal earthquake! In an instant the landscape of my life was completely leveled! Life, as I had know it, in a split second in time had forever changed; and I faced the brutal reality that this world — and my place in it — would never, could never, be the same . . .
On "That Day", as I'm sure all who've experienced unexpected and sudden loss will understand that term "that day", as a time, so ardently etched in our memory, as a unforgettable day of profound change.
That Day began like so many other days; just an "ordinary" day . . . or so, I thought.
How could I know there would be no more "ordinary" days. Every day from that point held new meaning, new challenges, new thoughts, new feelings. . . and eventually, a "new normal". . . whatever that is.
I was totally unprepared for the devastating impact of those words that were said to me on that day — ".... was killed in a car accident" (I had to to delete my husband's name because I see those words still haunt my psyche). It was those words that would so profoundly change my life after they were uttered; and with that one incident, my world came screeching to a sudden halt. My plans, hopes, and dreams, were all shattered in an instant. And I found myself, in complete shock and enduring a unfathomable void.
Since that day, I experienced brutal moments of a depth-less void that threatened to engulf me into this vast chasm of agonizing despair. And in those desperate moments of hopelessness, I found it difficult to even utter a simple prayer. My heart, my mind, my soul, was so profoundly — shattered! My mind could not comprehend, how to accept such an intimate loss to my soul?
I found myself left with only this excruciating pain in the depths of my soul. Wondering — I was left to — "survive" this loss. . .
Clover Stroud, British journalist keenly observed . . . "Grief, I now understand, is a sort of madness, in the same way that falling in love is madness." You find yourself in this emotional violent whirlwind.
Subsequently, there were many months that followed where I could barely utter a conversation under the weight of such intense suffering; for such a long time, my vocal cords seemed too strain at any attempt to muster any dialogue. The Grief was simply too heavy.
Therefore, I know there are those who too are experiencing "gut-wrenching" grief from such a loss; and like I have felt, as if the very strength of life is being squeezed from your "chest". And also like me, may feel like you are being crushed under the weight of the grief because the power of the pain is too anguishing to even force the words to speak. I absolutely, understand!
Life seemed bleak and grey — hollow, a bare whisper . . . I felt surely, I cannot survive this agony of the soul!
At unexpected times I came across spiritual healing balms of psalms, prayers, quotes, or songs that breathed a level of comfort to my soul.
Therefore, in my sharing these things of my heart which helped me hold on, at times moment by moment, that some other hurting heart — will also be able to find moments of hope or comfort with these inspirational "words" — be it in song or in writing.
I prayerfully hope for those who like me, who find themselves in the valley of despair — feeling hopeless, and finding it difficult to continue holding on under the weight of the grief that you hold on to hope. . . one more day, hour, moment . . .
Because as author Pamela Blair intuitively expressed the deep emotional impact of how I now felt with her book's utterly personal and ever so poignant title which summed up my hearts cry, "I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye" . . . because truly, "I", wasn't ready to say — "goodbye"!
She also shared a heart-felt quote of Poet Emily Dickinson, the new way by which "I" now portion pain — “I measure every Grief I meet with narrow, probing Eyes — I wonder if it weighs like Mine — Or has an Easier size.”
So continues my prodigious journey of "Learning — The Art of Letting Go". . .